Tired. Coffee.

Last night Andrea and I talked on the phone and I found out that there are twelve weeks left until May begins, which means that my stay in Toronto is essentially two-thirds of the way complete. Not that I'm counting.

I found out that the Ontario Arts Council will not be giving me any money to fund any art shows this summer. I was disappointed but also a bit relieved to hear it. As much work as I put into that grant application, I don't feel as committed to the project as I used to. Time away from Ottawa is changing some of my attitudes. Maybe things will snap back into place when I return. In any event I'm trying very hard to learn to be honest with myself about what I want in all facets of life. There are still three months of experience and consideration to be had before my time here is up.

Of course, big life events such as discovering I won't be funded drive me to do things like put resumes together, so I revived my account at monster.ca. I'm going to throw myself full force into a job hunt once school is over with and I won't stop until I grab something that pays well. God knows I'll have spent enough time in school.

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which wasn't as murky or complicated as I remember. Davy Jones is a great character and I still go nuts for the ending. The first time I saw the movie I used a pass I'd won from the staff Oscar competition at 3-Way Street. It was one of the few times I've sat in the very back of a theatre.

The new chair is a vast improvement. I wish I could spend the day sleeping in it. To work...

Today I wrote a 1600 word project description for the Ottawa Art Bazaar. I certainly have big ideas regarding where I want this thing to go. But you know, I look at my life five, ten years down the road, and I still want to be involved in this sort of thing. It's an exciting and dynamic thing to make a living at. Whenever I mention it to my mother, she tells me this drive I have to put on shows is a trait I inherited from my grandfather. I feel good about that. I hope I can do him proud.

I watched a couple of movies in Jay's collection today that I'd never seen. The Rundown, which was okay for what it was and had some great action sequences, plus a hilarious Christopher Walken monologue about the tooth fairy that he had to have translated into Portugese to get his point across. Gold. The other was Dark Water, which started out atmospherically rich but kind of lost me about halfway through. I found that the story didn't make much sense and had trouble grabbing me enough to really care. Kudos to Tim Roth for his performance, though. I didn't even recognize him until I saw his name in the credits.

I searched for recaito in the grocery store for about 20 minutes today, but there was none to be found.

I'm expecting a few things in the mail that haven't arrived yet. I hate waiting on the mailman. It's the curse of this digital age. I can go online and find inappropriate pictures of people with farm animals in five seconds, but I have to wait three weeks for a CD in the mail. Crazy world.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and call Arts Court in Ottawa. I'm going to do my best to get a straight answer from them regarding how they'll be involved in the grant process. I've been talking with my friend Maegen, who has thus far been an incredible help, providing me with information on the right people to talk to and the right steps to take in order to ensure success. But it's time to make Arts Court take appropriate notice of this.

I have a bunch of questions written out that I'm prepared to ask. After I get the information I need, I'll start working on the written application, which looks as if it will take some time to complete. I have two weeks. If I'm successful with this grant and the other two for which I'm applying, I could conceivably, in a best case scenario, put on three art festivals a year and make a living at it. Not only that, but everyone helping out would get paid. It's going to take some work, but if I'm finally able to do what I want to do, it's going to be worth it.

As for school, I spent a lot of the day catching up on Touch of Evil Project readings, as writer after writer dissects Orson Welles' vision. I'll probably skip the screening tomorrow, as I have the film on DVD already.

I wrote about 200 more words today.

I have "Regret" by New Order in my head. There's a real sense of melancholy to that song I don't hear very often.

WHAT I'M IN F...

- wait a second, first things first. I slept through my first class, The Touch of Evil Project. Waking up was one of those uh-oh, why the fuck didn't my alarms (2) go off, why am I waking up under my own power kind of waking ups. Great start to a new course.

But I didn't let the morning go to waste. I emailed the prof immediately, apologizing for my absence and inquiring as to where and when I could pick up my syllabus. While waiting for a response I went to Future Shop online and bought a new alarm clock and a digital camera with memory cards. Then I started investigating grants for the next Ottawa Art Bazaar. I came across some information on a package I'm going to put together, so I sent out requests to some folks for their help. The first application for the Ontario Arts Council is due October 1st, so I'm going to look into it more extensively this week, as well as the leads I have on a couple of other sources.

Finally, Professor Corinn Columpar emailed me back, setting up a meeting for tomorrow so that she could assign me a presentation slot. She also told me where I could access the syllabus online. Therefore -

WHAT I'M IN FOR (PART TWO)

The Touch of Evil Project is not devoted entirely to the Orson Welles film; in fact, I'll be looking at a bunch of films including The Magnificent Ambersons, The Third Man, Kiss Me Deadly, Morocco, Greed, Klute, and Lone Star. The theme of the course, I think, involves interruptions and overhauls of the creative process resulting in the perversion of a director's vision. Sounds very cool. The actual "Touch of Evil Project" is a culmination of each student's contribution of one particular aspect of the film, echoed in the other material we'll be examining. I'll be graded on my contribution, which will take the form of a presentation, as well as participation, a class facilitation, and a final project (research paper or something mindblowing) with proposal and presentation. Lots of presenting. But at least the subject matter is beyond engaging.

WHAT I'M IN FOR (PART THREE)

George Elliott Clarke seems like a genuinely warm, enjoyable man, who is extremely passionate about African-Canadian Lit (although he dislikes the term "African-Canadian", "black" and any other generalization of race, claiming these definitions are only in place for political reasons). His intensity grew as he went over what we'll be studying piece by piece, and peaked in his telling of an experience he had on a plane (back from Berlin, nonetheless) just this past Sunday when a man accused him of stealing food. I volunteered to present on Oni the Haitian Sensation, and sent him an email after the fact to stress my interest. I hope I'm able to, because I'd love to turn it into an opportunity to take a closer look at Ottawa's spoken word scene. I get a kick out of making my classes into examinations of my direct interests. In the meantime, I'll be looking at Lorena Gale's "Angelique", Austin Clarke's "Choosing his Coffin", Afua Cooper's "Hanging of Angelique", Dionne Brand's "Land to Light On", Mary Shadd's "A Plea for Emigration", Djanet Sears' "Harlem Duet", Nega Mezlekia's "Notes from the Hyena's Belly", and material by the man himself as well as some films.

The University of Toronto seems like a very competitive place. I like to take my time when it comes to courses, meeting professors, sharing my ideas. I like to get the feel of the room. And the feeling I get from the rooms I've been in so far is that continuous attempts are being made to cement one's place in the front of the line. I'll pass it off to a general excitement, for now. But I've personally never been one to take the first bite of a kill.

I found out how much I'll be getting scholarship-wise. I almost fainted. The feeling came over me that I'd done something terribly wrong. I'm starting to feel funny about applying for OSAP. But the revelation is putting interesting thoughts in my head. Like where I may be spending New Year's Eve.

I don't have another class until Friday, but tomorrow is a day full of appointments. And I really shouldn't sleep through them.

My baby's up there somewhere, in the sky on the other side of the globe. At 11:11 I made my wish for her...

--

A gull drops to kiss
    its dark, watery double,
       soars again alone.

- George Elliott Clarke, "Solitude" (from "Whylah Falls")